Restlessness... it's the only world I can seem to find when trying to describe what I'm feeling lately.
The following thoughts are what are drowning me in this feeling:
-I'm not sure work makes me happy any more. I thought I would feel more satisfied with myself doing what I do, but lately I'm feeling limited, and lacking any growth. I think I want something where I'm more independent and in charge of my development. I keep picturing myself working only a couple days a week at the hospital, and then starting up some sort of small business on the side (i.e. a gym facility for volleyball, photography, or writing - something where I can make a name for myself).
-I'm doubtful that we will ever afford the house/lifestyle we want in any sort of timely fashion. I want a tiny house, with a large yard and to still stay in the lower mainland. Sadly, this feels impossible with the way the market is.
-I'm angry that we still have debt. It's been months and months and although we've paid off almost $30,000.00, I hate that I have so limited accumulated savings to show for it. I know that once the debt is gone, all those "payments" will be going into savings where they build interest instead of costing us interest, but it's exhausting and so discouraging that that chunk of money is still just lingering.
-I'm slowly losing fitness motivation because although I can definitely see that I'm making progress, I am also surrounded by people more fit than me, and some days it just feel impossible not to compare myself. I hate not being the best.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I just feel like I'm at a point where I'm supposed to be making "the next big step," but I have no steps to take right now. Mark and I don't want kids (it's just not the life we want for ourselves), there's no affordable house purchase any time soon, and other than maybe getting a permanent position instead of a temporary one at work, there is no development for me there either. So, I'm left here stumped as to what my/our next move is. We can't afford a house until the debt is paid off, we can't get another dog until we purchase a house so that we have some stability, I can't change careers because that will just accumulate more debt and prolong everything even further, and so the list goes....
Don't get me wrong though, it's not like I'm unhappy in the life we are currently living. There is absolutely nothing wrong with where we are at in this game of life. We are happy, healthy, stable, and so madly in love that it's impossible not to be content. I think it's just going to be a matter of time, and small little adjustments, before soon enough I'll be looking back and wondering why I was ever so caught up in the specifics of it all in the first place.