Monday, May 2, 2016

Needing Some Guidance

In most areas of life I have no problem asking for help. If I didn't know something for school I would ask a friend, teacher, or parent for help to solve a problem, and if I didn't know how to do something in sports I would ask the coach or teammates to show me again and again until I figured it out.

I have however, always struggled (and still do) to ask for help when it comes to talking about my thoughts, feelings, emotions, or really, anything related to my more personal life. 

So internet world, I am going to suck it up, and do what I don't like to do. I am asking for your help.

I am currently struggling with how to handle the following:
-anger/resentment towards people that hurt me;
-yearning to prove that I am better off without the people that hurt me;
-urges to "get back" at those that hurt me.

After some self reflection it has come clear to me that I have no desire to rebuild the friendships that once were. Of course, I feel sad that I don't share those bonds any more, and don't get me wrong, it kills me any time I catch myself wanting to call those people up to chat when something important comes up however, I'm trying to value myself at a higher standard these days, and I think I'm finally comfortable saying out loud that: after how they treated me, they are not worthy of my friendship.

I am though, constantly feeling surges of frustration because I want the people that hurt me to know how badly I felt, so I want to hurt them back. But at the same time, my internal judgment kicks in, and I know that saying nothing can speak volumes louder. I feel tangled in this web struggling for mental clarity, and it makes me run through loops asking myself the following questions:

-What were they thinking?
-Did I deserve it?
-Do they regret their actions?
-What do they have to say for themselves now?

I start picturing how the conversations would take place if I were to actually go ahead and ask these questions in real life. Watching these once-friends fumble over their words, making excuses and apologies for themselves, but none of it makes me believe them, want to forgive them, or feel any better. 

So what do I do? How do I move on? How do I cut those strings loose from still having it all running on repeat in the back of my head. How do I let go of what once was, and start living working on a new and better me?

1 comment:

  1. Dear Linds, I read your post, wondering what to say.
    But then I came across @kinoyoga's Instagram post, and Kino addresses the very issue you're talking about.
    I copied and pasted it, and I hope it will help you:

    "We have all been hurt or wrong by another. It can be a small issue between loved ones that snowballed with no reason or unspoken feelings of discontent that built up and exploded. Or it can be traumatic events, harmful actions or more grievous situations. But if you have a place of irresolution in your heart it is harming you. Whenever you “blame” someone, you cast yourself as a victim who is therefore bound to your persecutor. With the power of forgiveness you can be free of it all.
    If you cringe a little inside when a certain person’s name comes up, then you have the seed of bitterness. If you get triggered just from thinking of a certain event then you have some unforgiveness. These seeds of suffering really only harm us. The person can be on the other side of the world doing their thing without any awareness that you are silently suffering.
    Yogis are not immune from this despite our peace, love and happiness philosophy. Being a yogi doesn’t mean that you’re perfect. It means, instead, that you are willing to use every single thing in your life to better yourself, to grow your heart and to reach for wisdom. I realized over the weekend that I was harboring unforgiveness towards someone. My feelings had been hurt and I never fully processed, released and resolved those feelings. It was a sore spot for me. But then, after talking the whole thing through, it just hit me. And then forgiveness settled in and lifted a weight lifted off my heart. In order to forgive I needed first to realize that I was holding onto the seed of unforgiveness. You can’t force forgiveness, but the start of the journey comes from the realization that you are holding onto negativity in your own heart.
    This week’s #YogiAssignment is Forgiveness. Defined in Sanskrit as Kshama, forgiveness is an intentional and voluntary process to release feelings of negativity and reclaim compassion and generosity.

    1. Recognize any seeds of unforgiveness or bitterness in your heart.
    2. Ask for those seeds to be removed.
    3. Forgive in three stages: forgive yourself, forgive the other person, ask for forgiveness"