In most areas of life I have no problem asking for help. If I didn't know something for school I would ask a friend, teacher, or parent for help to solve a problem, and if I didn't know how to do something in sports I would ask the coach or teammates to show me again and again until I figured it out.
I have however, always struggled (and still do) to ask for help when it comes to talking about my
thoughts, feelings, emotions, or really, anything related to my more personal
So internet world, I am going to suck it up, and do what I don't like to do. I am asking for your help.
I am currently struggling with how to handle the following:
-anger/resentment towards people that hurt me;
-yearning to prove that I am better off without the people that hurt me;
-urges to "get back" at those that hurt me.
After some self reflection it has come clear to me that I have no desire
to rebuild the friendships that once were. Of course, I feel sad that I don't
share those bonds any more, and don't get me wrong, it kills me any time I
catch myself wanting to call those people up to chat when something important
comes up however, I'm trying to value myself at a higher standard these days,
and I think I'm finally comfortable saying out loud that: after how they treated
me, they are not worthy of my friendship.
I am though, constantly feeling surges of frustration because I want the people that
hurt me to know how badly I felt, so I want to hurt them back. But at the same
time, my internal judgment kicks in, and I know that saying nothing can speak
volumes louder. I feel tangled in this web struggling for mental clarity, and it makes me run through loops asking myself the following questions:
-What were they thinking?
-Did I deserve it?
-Do they regret their actions?
-What do they have to say for themselves now?
I start picturing how the conversations would take place if I were to actually go ahead and ask these questions in real life. Watching these once-friends fumble over their words, making excuses and apologies for themselves, but none of it makes me believe them, want to forgive them, or feel any better.
So what do I do? How do I move on? How
do I cut those strings loose from still having it all running on repeat in the back of my head. How do I let go of what once was, and start living working on a new and better me?