Tuesday, January 30, 2018

My My Love

My My Love by Joshua Radin - This is the song that I walked down the aisle to. There are so many things I love about this song: the rhythm, the acoustics, the lyrics. But, I couldn't tell you why in particular we chose this for my walk down the aisle song other than it just felt right. 

Trust what feels right.

"I've been running too fast to belong to anyone, but then you came along."


Friday, January 26, 2018

What do you do when you doubt what you love?

It's not an uncommon thing for me to feel self-doubt. To be honest, it's something I've struggled with since I can remember - always wondering  worrying, what others think, and therefore second guessing what I think. I strive for approval from others and immediately judge myself if I under achieve. 

After weeks of being "pushed out" of serve receive line-ups, not regularly setting for teams, being asked not to block, and getting packed in the face, it's not surprise that lately I've had a huge bout of self-doubt in relation to my volleyball life. 

I have been playing volleyball since 2001 - that's 17 years people. It's not new to me, yet compared to the last 17 years I have never felt more useless playing the sport I so desperately love, than in the last month.

If you're new to my blog, I'll give you a brief history of my volleyball life:

I was tall so most of my early years of volleyball were spent playing as a middle. In my grade 12 year of high school we got a new coach and he asked me to set because I was eager enough that I could always get to the ball (Let me be clear: IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM DID I HAVE SETTER HANDS...or even instincts).  Once I started playing drop-in and therefore co-ed volleyball, it quickly became clear that at not even 5'9" tall, I was not the most effective middle anymore. Now this didn't completely stop me from playing middle. In fact, for a couple seasons I did what I could to keep up with the high paced co-ed caliber play that I was engulfed in, but somewhere along the way, I started playing right side instead (a common place for an average girl playing co-ed 6s). Eventually, we started running a 6-2 system on a more regular basis and then, we realized there were a lot more girls out there that were even more effective than me on offense, so it was only a matter of convenience that I started setting on a pretty regular basis and letting everyone else swing. 

I was coached in elementary school, high school, and club ball with a basic foundation in all volleyball skills but I was never coached specifically as a setter so I definitely feel like I'm lacking a lot of specific key factors that "true setters" have, and lately people seem to notice. That being said, I've spent probably a good 5 years or so setting on a regular basis that I've let a lot of my defense and offensive skills fall by the way side. 

Needless to say, I'm feeling a little lost these days. I don't have a solid enough foundation to be a "natural" sought after setter, but I've also spent so much time not having to serve-receive and not putting balls down that, no one sees me as the strong well-rounded player I once was.  So, where do I go from here? Of course, I won't give up my love for the sport but I'm tired of coming home from volleyball every night feeling tense, frustrated, and useless. 

After some restless sleeps and a lot of self-reflection, I've realized it's time for me to refocus my attention. Instead of dwelling on what I lack, I've decided to put my energy into what I can control: improving.  I've never been one to be the best, but I love the satisfaction of progress. So here's to making strides in the right direction. Here's to not letting my 17 years of experience make me become a stagnant player. Here's to starting fresh.

(Basic drill: ball control)

You can't expect to improve unless you're willing to do the work. 


Sunday, January 14, 2018

30 before 30: Get a couples massage

Since I haven't yet turned 30, I decided it's still okay for me to continue with my 30 before 30 endeavor where I left off. And, it turns out, before I ditched the whole blogging thing for the last almost year, I actually did check off one of my items. 

In 2016 while Mark and I were in Mexico for the 2nd time ever, we decided to spoil ourselves with a couples massage from the spa at the resort we stayed at.


I still cannot believe we waited as long as we did to have a couples massage, let alone our first massage ever. It was so calming, relaxing, and therapeutic. 

I thought the nudity, and being touched by a stranger was totally going to erk me, but to be honest I didn't even think about those things. The most displeasing thing about the whole experience was that I was a wee chilly in the room from time to time, but I think that's is just a "me" thing -  I'm always cold. 

Anyway, happy to say I checked off another item from my 30 before 30 list, and can't wait for my next massage. 

Saturday, January 13, 2018


In a batch full of cupcakes everyone seems to notice the one that kind of, sort of,  just so happened to fall apart. 

Maybe you will be noticed for being flawed but, do not feel shame. Regardless of whether you are in the perfect form, or crumbling apart, we can all offer a delightful taste.

Stop looking at your flaws as your downfalls. Let them be your guide and strength. Let them direct you in your journey of self reflection and growth.


Thursday, January 11, 2018

I believe...

I believe in love, in all forms. 

Unconditional love, unrequited love, forever love, too much love, not enough love, temporary love, confused love, and all the other millions of types of love. 

In my eyes all love is true love...even if you haven't figured it out yet. 

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Thunderstorm (2005)

The gray clouds gather, the storm is coming
I'm scared, I cry

The thunder is loud, and the lightning cutting
I run, I hide

The storm it follows me, I hear it close behind
I scream, I run

It catches up to me, and it tackles me down
I'm hurt, I'm alone

Hello Again!

After almost a full year away from the blogging world I've realized I missed the writing. 

So, I would like to officially say hello again! 

Although I don't have a particular direction that I plan to take this blog (did I ever really before?), I am eager to continue posting more regularly, even if only at the very least for my own therapy.