Outside My Window

The trees sway in a rhythmic choas. The sun glistens high in the evening spring sky. The light bounces sharp off of the newly acquired, but still not hooked up, gas barbeque. The pollen looks heavy, yet floats swiftly through the breeze. I notice a faint film built up on the sliding screen door. Normally I'd be inclined to go clean it, but today, not even the slightest urge comes over me. I rest quietly on the couch, legs intertwined with my husband. He's focused on the tv, and I find my gaze shifting to his face. He barely flinches, and yet he has so many subtle reactions to every passing moment. Eventually he turns and catches me starring. I don't look away. His lips curve, and his dimple shows deeper than ever. He kisses me through the air and turns back to the tv. This man, he is the best thing about me. 

Not Uncommon

Trust is not uncommonly lost. 

It's when you stop looking for it that you need to start worrying. 

-Linds 

My My Love

My My Love by Joshua Radin - This is the song that I walked down the aisle to. There are so many things I love about this song: the rhythm, the acoustics, the lyrics. But, I couldn't tell you why in particular we chose this for my walk down the aisle song other than it just felt right. 

Trust what feels right.

"I've been running too fast to belong to anyone, but then you came along."

-Linds 

What do you do when you doubt what you love?

It's not an uncommon thing for me to feel self-doubt. To be honest, it's something I've struggled with since I can remember - always wondering  worrying, what others think, and therefore second guessing what I think. I strive for approval from others and immediately judge myself if I under achieve. 

After weeks of being "pushed out" of serve receive line-ups, not regularly setting for teams, being asked not to block, and getting packed in the face, it's not surprise that lately I've had a huge bout of self-doubt in relation to my volleyball life. 

I have been playing volleyball since 2001 - that's 17 years people. It's not new to me, yet compared to the last 17 years I have never felt more useless playing the sport I so desperately love, than in the last month.

If you're new to my blog, I'll give you a brief history of my volleyball life:

I was tall so most of my early years of volleyball were spent playing as a middle. In my grade 12 year of high school we got a new coach and he asked me to set because I was eager enough that I could always get to the ball (Let me be clear: IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM DID I HAVE SETTER HANDS...or even instincts).  Once I started playing drop-in and therefore co-ed volleyball, it quickly became clear that at not even 5'9" tall, I was not the most effective middle anymore. Now this didn't completely stop me from playing middle. In fact, for a couple seasons I did what I could to keep up with the high paced co-ed caliber play that I was engulfed in, but somewhere along the way, I started playing right side instead (a common place for an average girl playing co-ed 6s). Eventually, we started running a 6-2 system on a more regular basis and then, we realized there were a lot more girls out there that were even more effective than me on offense, so it was only a matter of convenience that I started setting on a pretty regular basis and letting everyone else swing. 

I was coached in elementary school, high school, and club ball with a basic foundation in all volleyball skills but I was never coached specifically as a setter so I definitely feel like I'm lacking a lot of specific key factors that "true setters" have, and lately people seem to notice. That being said, I've spent probably a good 5 years or so setting on a regular basis that I've let a lot of my defense and offensive skills fall by the way side. 

Needless to say, I'm feeling a little lost these days. I don't have a solid enough foundation to be a "natural" sought after setter, but I've also spent so much time not having to serve-receive and not putting balls down that, no one sees me as the strong well-rounded player I once was.  So, where do I go from here? Of course, I won't give up my love for the sport but I'm tired of coming home from volleyball every night feeling tense, frustrated, and useless. 

After some restless sleeps and a lot of self-reflection, I've realized it's time for me to refocus my attention. Instead of dwelling on what I lack, I've decided to put my energy into what I can control: improving.  I've never been one to be the best, but I love the satisfaction of progress. So here's to making strides in the right direction. Here's to not letting my 17 years of experience make me become a stagnant player. Here's to starting fresh.

(Basic drill: ball control)

You can't expect to improve unless you're willing to do the work. 

-Linds

30 before 30: Get a couples massage

Since I haven't yet turned 30, I decided it's still okay for me to continue with my 30 before 30 endeavor where I left off. And, it turns out, before I ditched the whole blogging thing for the last almost year, I actually did check off one of my items. 

In 2016 while Mark and I were in Mexico for the 2nd time ever, we decided to spoil ourselves with a couples massage from the spa at the resort we stayed at.

IT WAS GLORIOUS! 

I still cannot believe we waited as long as we did to have a couples massage, let alone our first massage ever. It was so calming, relaxing, and therapeutic. 

I thought the nudity, and being touched by a stranger was totally going to erk me, but to be honest I didn't even think about those things. The most displeasing thing about the whole experience was that I was a wee chilly in the room from time to time, but I think that's is just a "me" thing -  I'm always cold. 

Anyway, happy to say I checked off another item from my 30 before 30 list, and can't wait for my next massage. 
-Linds

Flawless

In a batch full of cupcakes everyone seems to notice the one that kind of, sort of,  just so happened to fall apart. 

Maybe you will be noticed for being flawed but, do not feel shame. Regardless of whether you are in the perfect form, or crumbling apart, we can all offer a delightful taste.

Stop looking at your flaws as your downfalls. Let them be your guide and strength. Let them direct you in your journey of self reflection and growth.

-Linds

I believe...

I believe in love, in all forms. 

Unconditional love, unrequited love, forever love, too much love, not enough love, temporary love, confused love, and all the other millions of types of love. 


In my eyes all love is true love...even if you haven't figured it out yet. 
-Linds