10 Things I am Not Proud Of

1. I hesitate
I've always known this about myself, however, it recently came to light that not only do I do this myself, but I have a pretty good knack for noticing the moment someone else begins to hesitate as well (even when they are trying to hide it). Anytime plans are made, or attempting to be made, or anytime I am questioned about something, I will blurt out an answer and then immediately I will feel regret, and try to backtrack or hesitate in an attempt to give myself some sort of out. I usually almost always end up talking myself back up again and end up doing whatever I committed to, but this little mental yes/no dance I do with myself happens all to often. I want to commit, but worry that when the day comes I won't feel like doing it anymore, and I don't want to have to be forced, but then the day comes and I end up bringing myself to do it regardless because I know I shouldn't bail last minute. I think I will just leave it at that, because I am probably starting to sound crazy and I'm only on item number one.

2. I don't know how to do makeup
This probably comes as a shock since I am the youngest of four girls and theoretically this should have been my bread and butter growing up trying to learn from my older siblings. However, it never happened. As a kid I was a dancer and therefore always had my mom doing my "dance make-up" for competitions which really deterred me from the idea of daily makeup in my pre-teen years. By the time I was a full fledged teenager and probably should have been experimenting with it, I just had no interest because I had already gone so long without it. Sure I would watch my sisters getting ready to go out sometimes and be jealous of how they would blend that eyeshadow just right across their lids, or how their eyeliner was always perfectly straight, and how their cheekbones looked just right with that added rosy color. The odd time, once they'd already left to go out, I would sneak an eyeliner or a blush brush and try to practice, but I could never get it right and would give up after one or two tries. Looking back now, if I had asked my sisters or mom to show me, I'm sure they would have been glad, but I was to embarrassed because they already knew it all. Also, I could never justify spending the countless dollars on an eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, and all the brushes to go alone with it for that matter, so here I am, 26 years old, and I still have no idea how to get the makeup just right. Sure I can put a smudgy liner on now, and mascara I think I'm pretty okay with. I have days where I am hit and miss with a bit of bronzer but make-up/any beauty routine for that matter is just not my forte.

3. I weigh myself everyday
This sounds a lot worse than it is. You're probably thinking that if I hate that I weigh myself everyday, why don't I just stop doing it? Here's the thing: It's not that I hate that I weigh myself everyday, it's the fact that I let the resultant number affect my thinking everyday. I got a scale earlier this year and honestly I love that I finally own one. For the sheer science of it, I love jumping on and finding how different my # reads from day to day (whether I workout or not, whether I binge eat or not). However, when I notice that the number is gradually climbing up I start to worry whether it is fat or muscle making those numbers jump. But, on the contrary, when I see those numbers gradually dropping down, I start to worry that I'm losing muscle, or not eating enough to nourish myself. Sadly I am always overthinking my size and weight. Lately it's been even more of a struggle because I can't do my usual workouts and so I am trying to find other ways to maintain a fit and healthy body habitus. Over these last few weeks with my broken foot, the scale has been jumping all over the place and I just can't seem to get control of it.

4. I pick fights
Mark will vouch for me on this. I have the ability to be a very upbeat, easy going kind of person, however, for some reason it comes way to natural to me to be grouchy. Even if I have just had the best day ever, I can always find something that didn't quite sit right, and then I immediately go in one of two directions: Sit and stew over something I found annoying, or burst into a hot rage that things didn't go exactly as planned.

5. I bite my nails...still
I have spent years and years and years trying to kick this habit. I can remember from a very young age (probably about 5 or 6) when my mom would cut my nails for me and she would cut them very straight across the top. It always annoyed me how the side edges would be so pointy and sharp and so after she finished I would head up to my room and bite all the corners to try to round them out. But, because I was just a kid, I could never really manage to get them even so I would just keep biting, and biting, and biting, until I literally had next to no nail left. They would bleed all the time, but I just wouldn't let up. As I've gotten older, of course I don't let them get nearly as bad, and I've even managed to go months at a time where I won't bit them at all (usually for a bet or some sort of special occasion), but no matter what I always fall victim to this pesky little habit.

6. I can never decide what to wear
This is again something that you would think I'd be good at since I grew up with three older sisters that have a ton of fashion sense, but similar to the makeup thing, it just never happened for me. Pinterest has helped a lot in my more recent years with coming up with creating outfits, but I will forever and always struggle with how to decide what to wear in the moment. As a kid I was notorious for fighting with my mom every morning, slamming dresser drawers, crying, complaining that I had nothing suitable to wear that day. One day I would love the mickey mouse t-shirt but the next I couldn't bare to look at it. I still have this similar habit, sure I don't slam drawers and throw clothes around the room (or do I?), but one day I will love my faded rolled up jeans and decorative top, and the next day, I think they make me look like an ogre. I also struggle greatly with knowing what is appropriate for certain events. Sure again, in my more recent years, Pinterest has helped with this a lot, but even with it's help, I always doubt that I am either too fancy, or too casual or too.......anything.

7. I smile all the time, except when I don't, then I never smile
Not to go around bragging or anything, but I think the physical feature I get complimented on, or noticed the most for, is my smile. Sure I mostly have the braces to thank for that, but I am also one of those people that for the most part, I am always grinning, and not just in a "my lips have an upward turn to them" kind of way, but in a my natural facial expression seems to be a full on smile. That is, until I decide I don't want to smile anymore. Once that decision is made, usually prompted by an argument, being embarrassed, a bad day, or really any number of things, I immediately go to wrinkly chin. Yes, you read correctly, "wrinkly chin." This is something my sisters used to bug me for all the time. Anytime I got upset, irritated or anything negative, my sisters would (as any sisters would) harass me relentlessly. The moment I don't smile, I get these silly little wrinkles across my chin, and they are especially deep when I'm angry or upset and trying to hold back from smiling or laughing. And although I hate those silly wrinkles, when I get in one of those moods (remember, I pick fights), I will not put a smile back on my face until I decide it is time.

8. I take things literally
This one is a killer. I know in the wrong scenario it makes me come across as arrogant, stuck up, and probably a bit of a know-it-all, but the older I get, the more I realize it's important to just say exactly what I want, need or feel in an attempt to better communicate. I think so many relationship fail because the people have different forms of communicating, and let's be honest, Mark and I have had moments where we fail as a couple because we just don't hear each other they way the other person needs to be heard. People misread body language all the time, and if we're always expecting people to read between the lines, too much gets lost in translations and people end up hurt. However, being too literal has it's downfalls as well. The biggest one being that being so literal gives no room for real-life to take place. The only way to adjust the meaning is to change what you're saying, and to be honest, life is rarely really that cut and dry.

9. I will keep eating until it's finished, and then probably go back for more.
I'm not so bad at this when it comes to a sitting down and having a full fledged meal. I was always taught not to waste and therefore if we put it on our plate, we were expected to finish it -- makes sense. However, I'm talking more so about when it comes to making a snack, or having a bag of chips in the cupboard, or a bowl of popcorn on the table. If I bring a bag of chips with me as I sit on the couch to read my book or watch a show, there is no hope in the world that that bag will be going back in the cupboard still half full. Not only that, but even when I try portion control (I'll get a small bowl and fill it with some chips and take that to the couch with me), I'll finish it in moments, and because I know there is still 3/4 of a bag sitting in the cupboard, I go right back for more. Next thing you know, the bag is empty, I feel sick to my stomach, and full of regret, but yet, I'll do the exact same thing the next day!

10. I pick at any sort of scab, pimple, jagged edge, or ripped label
Similar to the fact that I still bite my nails, this is just one of those restless habits that I cannot seem to break. I hate the thought of a surface that is supposed to be smooth, not being smooth. Whether it's a jagged nail,  the label on a bottle, a pimple rising out of my skin, or a scab that hasn't finished healing, I am relentless. Sometimes I will even make a jagged edge, just so that I have the satisfaction of being able to pick and pick at it.

Misery loves company, so I'd love to hear some of your own "not-so-hot" habits!

-Linds