"...happy girls are the prettiest"

I'm just going to start this off with saying sorry Rach, but I am totally jacking this from your profile because after I read it, I honestly cannot stop thinking about it. (P.s. everyone please check out my friend Rachel's blog!)

So here we go:

You probably recall my post from the other day about me struggling with finding myself, or really knowing who I am, and what my direction in life is. Well, a couple days ago I came upon a quote from the lovely miss Rachel and it really hit me hard. 

"...happy girls are the prettiest."

This makes me think of a few people in particular who, well, let's be honest, are pretty anyway, but their beauty just seems to radiate off of them because they have this happiness inside them that glows through. So here I go, saying it out loud....You, friends, make me incredibly jealous...but don't worry, it's jealousy in a good way, not in the I want to stab you in the neck kind of way...or is it?!

I used to think that I was one of those people, always smiling, just glowing with life and energy. Sure people comment that I smile a lot, but let me tell you, this is not necessarily the same thing. Yes, I am happy with my life, I have said this and I think proven it a million times before. I have a husband that I could not be prouder of or possibly love any more, and my family is always supportive of me, I have a good job, and good life. So, you ask, why do I not fall in this category? 

Well, because I am, shall we say, a cranky, neurotic, uptight, stress case most of the time. Sure I have my moments where I am bubbling with energy and a wicked positive attitude but, it's not something I am really known for. In my marriage, Mark is the optimist, I am the pessimist. I am always preparing, anticipating, expecting the worse case scenario, whereas Mark is the go with the flow, roll with the punches kind of guy, who just beams with life and energy. He is the epitome of, well the male version of "happy girls are the prettiest."

So with all of that being said, I would just like to take a special moment 
to let all those girls who just beam with happiness know that they truly are the prettiest. They may not be supermodels walking down the runway, or posing in magazines, but their beauty is literally indescribable because it comes from somewhere else. I envy all of you, and it is my goal to be able to be seen as one of those people. 

Keep on smiling!
-Linds

The Sky is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson

This is my second completed book of 2015. During my first book review of 2015, I promised to do better to try and capture some of my favourite moments from the future books I read. Well, guess what folks. I actually followed through! So this time, 1st will be my summary, 2nd will be my review, and 3rd will be some favourite moments/lines from the book. 

Summary:
This book is about the main character, Lennie's, struggle dealing with he sudden death of her sister, Bailey aka Bails. Lennie battles between finding comfort from two opposing forces. She is smitten by Joe, the new, upbeat, energetic boy who never even knew her sister, but she is also, mournfully bonding with Toby, her sisters boyfriend, who was going to marry and have a baby with Bails. This book is set for high school teenage years and dives into topics such as love, loneliness, heartache, and anguish. Part of the storyline also addresses Lennie's long lost emotional search for her mother, who has not been in her life for almost 16 years. 

Review:
The main character is a high school teenager so I probably should have anticipated that the story was going to read a little bit "young" for my liking, but that being said, one of the best things I enjoyed about this book was the desperation in the writing. There is just so much passion and agony throughout the entire book, that it was hard not to feel your own heart aching along side with the main character. It reminded me of when I was young, and no matter what I was feeling, I felt everything right down to my core. 

Overall the storyline was a little anticipated, but I thought the writing itself was excellent, and did a really good job of bringing me back to a more innocent, less tainted, mindset.  I would recommend this book for mid to late teen readers, more mature readers that are looking for an easy read, but with extremely passionate touches, or for anyone who has dealt or is dealing with loss.

Quotable moments:
"I've been coming here everyday at lunch, hiding out until the bell rings, whitling words into the branches with my pen, allowing my heart to break in private. I can't hide a thing---everyone in school sees clear to my bones." pg. 39

"When I get to the path, I take off, trying to outrun the heartache that is chasing me down." pg. 92

"...---she wants to dance wild and free all around the thumping room, but unfortunately, that girl's in me, not me." pg. 98

"I hurry inside, worrying about what Toby said to me and what I didn't say to Joe, as the rain washes all those beautiful kisses off of me." pg. 150

"I'm going to love it if you take off all your clothes there, I promise, or at least some of them, maybe even just a sock." pg. 161

"There are people everywhere standing in line at the movies, buying curtains, walking dogs, while inside, their hearts are ripping to shreds." pg. 168

"You can tell your story any way you damn well please. 
 It's your solo." pg. 185

"How to get used to being without a boy who turns you into brightness?" pg. 217

"Its as if everything around us stops to see what's going to happen next---the trees lean in, birds hover, flowers hold their petals still." pg. 228

"I wanted to punch him in the face, 
 but instead I started to cry 
 in a drowning kind of way." pg. 238

"Walking home, I realize it's the first time since Bailey died that I've written words for someone to read." pg. 258

"Love is contagious, everyone knows that, Lennie." pg. 273

Hope you enjoy!
-Linds

Moving....again

It has finally come time when the current place that we rent is moving ahead with getting torn down in order for development to happen. Because of this, we have been given our notice and have to be out by March 1, 2015. This leaves us exactly 31 days from right now to find something else. 

Now normally this wouldn't be the toughest thing to do (I've done it before with less notice), but this time we have, not only our two cats, but also the 65lb 1 year old puppy to bring with us. Trying to find a place to rent, when you have a dog feels almost impossible. 

Thankfully we have had a lot of Marks co-workers and my family offer for us to stay with them temporarily until we are able to find something that suits us, but obviously we don't want to be a burden, and to be honest, and I don't want to have to move an extra time.

Mentally I am already trying to figure out what stuff I can chuck, donate, and sell before we actually pack up and get out of here, but at the same time, I am very resistant to the whole thing, because let's be honest, does anyone really enjoy packing? Don't get me wrong, I like the unpacking part: the fresh start in a new space, choosing where to put what shelf, which way to face the bed or the couch, etc., all of that decorating and organizational stuff I find fun and soothing to my slightly OCD brain. 

But, for now, it's the dread of looking at place after place, meeting person after person, and then the ultimate, lugging and hulling of box after box. 

Sorry folks, but this is all I can muster up with the energy I have today (plus I'm literally about to leave for work in like 10 minutes), but I will keep you guys updated, and I think I might even have a "packing up your place" post brewing, but honestly that all depends on how the whole process unfolds!

(This look on Captain's face describes exactly how I felt when I found out we have to move)

Take care
-Linds

Big, Wild, Bear Cat

Bear is the wild cat of the house. Mark surprised me with him about a month before we moved in together, so we've had Bear for about 5 and a half years. When we got him we had him and his sister as well, but unfortunately she has passed away since. 

Bear is very much a mostly outdoor cat. He prowls through the yard like king of the jungle. We probably should have named him lion, but Bear was just much more fitting, it seemed. 

He's a pretty independent cat, I mean, sometimes he has days where we literally will only see him first thing in the morning when we feed him, and then not again until about 11pm when we bring him in before heading off to bed. However, every once in a while he graces us with his presence and will spend an entire day inside with us. On these days I swear he acts more like a dog than a cat. Constantly pawing for our attention, rolling around on his back just anxiously waiting for us to rub his belly for him. Yes! you heard me correctly, he loves to have his belly rubbed!

I could probably type endlessly about this big guy but I think the pictures do him better justice so here they are:

Last time we weighed him he was almost 20 lbs, so like I said before, he pretty much is like a small dog! It's hard not to fall absolutely in love with this big guy, he roams like a wild cat, but is cuddly like a kitten!

Don't worry there will plenty more to come of this guy!

-Linds

Finding myself...

If I'm being completely honest, I started this blog with the intention of self reflection, and a large hope that I would come into my own, and shall I say..."find myself."

I thought I'd experienced enough in my quarter century to figure out who I am, but honestly, I have days where I feel like a lost cause. Some days I will be high as a horse on life itself, and other days I won't even be able to look at myself in the mirror because I feel like I don't really know who I am or why I act the way that I do. This blog has helped me a bit already, taking the time to write my thoughts and reflect on the days past, but I'm still struggling to figure out who I really am, where I want to go, and what I want to be. 

I have a tendency to only see the negative side of things, doubt everything about myself and everyone else, and to always expect the worst, even if it is the most UNlikely of scenarios. Mark is definitely my saving grace when I get into these funks. He is nothing but supportive and encouraging, and really pushes me to see the brighter side of things. He is always quick to tell me how impressed he is with what I've accomplished in my life but, that doesn't always take away the booming voice inside my head that is sometimes telling me otherwise. 

So....here goes nothing, my attempt at being open, honest, and well......exposed.

I find myself browsing the internet, and I am awe-struck by other people who seem to have found their element. Yes, I know, what other people post is only a snippet of their lives, but still I can't help but feel jealous at their glorious photography, fashion sense, or developed writing. They just seem to have it all figured out. They seem to know exactly who they are and where they are going.

Lately I've really been contemplating what my element is. I, for instance, put a section on this blog for fashion, but let's be honest, when have I ever made a bold fashion choice in my entire life? So, who I am to expect people to want to check out my "fashion" page. I can only assume that volleyball is my "thing" since I've been playing for so long, and it's pretty much how my marriage started. But, I also find myself itching to be more adventurous with the outdoors, and with photography. Now granted, I have nothing more than my cell phone for photography, but I still love being able to capture some beautiful moments. And, as far as the outdoors are concerned, yes I go out everyday, but I find myself thinking every morning that I should just get up and go do a hike or hit up a lake, or something out of the ordinary. 

What's stopping me you ask?, absolutely nothing, other than myself. Everyday I find myself hesitating, making excuses, telling myself that I don't have enough time, or energy. Honestly, I think I'm just scared. For years, I have wanted to do something more involved with volleyball, i.e. start a rental facility to run leagues, tournaments, etc., or to coach, or start up a youth team. This year I've finally been offered a coaching opportunity, but why didn't I ever go searching for one before? How did I ever expect to get involved in the coaching community if I never put myself into it. 

Same thing with the outdoors, right now with my job I get five days off in a row. I should be taking every single day to go somewhere different, check out a new hike, find a new trail, pond or anything. And what do I do, I go to the same dog parks, the same trails and the same neighbourhoods as always. Sure it would be easier if I had a buddy that had the same days off as me for some motivation, but there's no reason I shouldn't go solo. But everyday I tell myself I'm to tired, or it's to far, or I don't know if I can bring the dog.....excuses.

As far as the photography goes, I'm not as concerned with this one....yet. It's something that I have only recently really really really started to enjoy, but I know I can't do anything too expansive with it until I build more of a portfolio, or let's be honest, get a decent camera. For now I will settle with taking random scenery pictures when I'm out and about with the dog, and maybe offer myself up if any friends are looking for some basic photography needs. 

Even after all this is said though, I find myself asking, how long will it take to be the me that I want to be? I think I'm a far way off from answering this question since I don't even necessarily know who the "me" is that I want to be. Sure if I were to say this stuff out loud, everyone would probably tell me not to stress, and that I have tons of time to figure it out, but the thing is, I don't want to wait to figure it out. I want to start now. I don't want to figure it out five years from now that I've been going in the wrong direction, but then again, is that what life is all about? Some people just know that they want to be a mother, and that's their plan in life. I, on the other hand, know that I don't want to end up a mother, but then what does that leave me with. Sure I have every other possible option in the world, but it's incredibly overwhelming, and how do you choose? 

I know I'm lucky that I get to wake up every day, happy in my bed, with a husband who I love more than life itself, and don't get me wrong, I am grateful for everything I have in my life, but I guess sometimes I just feel like I'm letting life down. I have all this opportunity sitting at my feet, but am I really embracing it? I'm just staring at it, and then wondering why my life is as it is.  

So I guess I will leave it at this....how do you know if the life you are leading is the direction you are meant to be going? How do you figure out if this is what was meant for you? How do you choose?

-Linds

Lonely Two

When someone dies you are left thinking,
Why is it he was alone drinking?
Did he not know how I cared for him so?
You see, this was a horrible way to go.
He must have felt such torturous pain
For the cuts he made were deep in his veins.
How could he just leave me like this,
The last words he spoke, a soft single kiss.

I come to his grave everyday 
And wonder what has caused him such pain.
But I'll never know the truth behind his smile
Because now he is but a few words in a file.
"Deceased," it says, "another suicidal teen" 
But to me he was different, a boy full of dreams.
We talked about marriage and a house of our own
A place for the children to call their home.

I can't help but wonder if I lead him to this
I tried my best to keep us in bliss.
Problems arose but we talked them through
Is it possible we were a lonely two?
He's gone now and I'm filled with sorrow,
I don't know how I can live through tomorrow.
So the tears I cry are never ending,
All because our hearts befriending.

I never stopped loving him dearly,
But I guess now I can see clearly.
In love we were, but apart at heart,
It seemed his life was hit by a dart.
So now he is gone, but in my heart he lives through
And now I'm the only one left of the lonely two...

Volleyball Terminology: Ace

This term is used in reference to a serve. If you "aced" your serve, that means it was un-returnable. Either, the serve was not contacted at all by the opposing team, or it was contacted, but a shank pass was made and therefore the ball was not playable or returnable by the other team.