Thursday, January 22, 2015

Finding myself...



If I'm being completely honest, I started this blog with the intention of self reflection, and a large hope that I would come into my own, and shall I say..."find myself."

I thought I'd experienced enough in my quarter century to figure out who I am, but honestly, I have days where I feel like a lost cause. Some days I will be high as a horse on life itself, and other days I won't even be able to look at myself in the mirror because I feel like I don't really know who I am or why I act the way that I do. This blog has helped me a bit already, taking the time to write my thoughts and reflect on the days past, but I'm still struggling to figure out who I really am, where I want to go, and what I want to be. 

I have a tendency to only see the negative side of things, doubt everything about myself and everyone else, and to always expect the worst, even if it is the most UNlikely of scenarios. Mark is definitely my saving grace when I get into these funks. He is nothing but supportive and encouraging, and really pushes me to see the brighter side of things. He is always quick to tell me how impressed he is with what I've accomplished in my life but, that doesn't always take away the booming voice inside my head that is sometimes telling me otherwise. 

So....here goes nothing, my attempt at being open, honest, and well......exposed.

I find myself browsing the internet, and I am awe-struck by other people who seem to have found their element. Yes, I know, what other people post is only a snippet of their lives, but still I can't help but feel jealous at their glorious photography, fashion sense, or developed writing. They just seem to have it all figured out. They seem to know exactly who they are and where they are going.

Lately I've really been contemplating what my element is. I, for instance, put a section on this blog for fashion, but let's be honest, when have I ever made a bold fashion choice in my entire life? So, who I am to expect people to want to check out my "fashion" page. I can only assume that volleyball is my "thing" since I've been playing for so long, and it's pretty much how my marriage started. But, I also find myself itching to be more adventurous with the outdoors, and with photography. Now granted, I have nothing more than my cell phone for photography, but I still love being able to capture some beautiful moments. And, as far as the outdoors are concerned, yes I go out everyday, but I find myself thinking every morning that I should just get up and go do a hike or hit up a lake, or something out of the ordinary. 

What's stopping me you ask?, absolutely nothing, other than myself. Everyday I find myself hesitating, making excuses, telling myself that I don't have enough time, or energy. Honestly, I think I'm just scared. For years, I have wanted to do something more involved with volleyball, i.e. start a rental facility to run leagues, tournaments, etc., or to coach, or start up a youth team. This year I've finally been offered a coaching opportunity, but why didn't I ever go searching for one before? How did I ever expect to get involved in the coaching community if I never put myself into it. 

Same thing with the outdoors, right now with my job I get five days off in a row. I should be taking every single day to go somewhere different, check out a new hike, find a new trail, pond or anything. And what do I do, I go to the same dog parks, the same trails and the same neighbourhoods as always. Sure it would be easier if I had a buddy that had the same days off as me for some motivation, but there's no reason I shouldn't go solo. But everyday I tell myself I'm to tired, or it's to far, or I don't know if I can bring the dog.....excuses.

As far as the photography goes, I'm not as concerned with this one....yet. It's something that I have only recently really really really started to enjoy, but I know I can't do anything too expansive with it until I build more of a portfolio, or let's be honest, get a decent camera. For now I will settle with taking random scenery pictures when I'm out and about with the dog, and maybe offer myself up if any friends are looking for some basic photography needs. 

Even after all this is said though, I find myself asking, how long will it take to be the me that I want to be? I think I'm a far way off from answering this question since I don't even necessarily know who the "me" is that I want to be. Sure if I were to say this stuff out loud, everyone would probably tell me not to stress, and that I have tons of time to figure it out, but the thing is, I don't want to wait to figure it out. I want to start now. I don't want to figure it out five years from now that I've been going in the wrong direction, but then again, is that what life is all about? Some people just know that they want to be a mother, and that's their plan in life. I, on the other hand, know that I don't want to end up a mother, but then what does that leave me with. Sure I have every other possible option in the world, but it's incredibly overwhelming, and how do you choose? 

I know I'm lucky that I get to wake up every day, happy in my bed, with a husband who I love more than life itself, and don't get me wrong, I am grateful for everything I have in my life, but I guess sometimes I just feel like I'm letting life down. I have all this opportunity sitting at my feet, but am I really embracing it? I'm just staring at it, and then wondering why my life is as it is.  

So I guess I will leave it at this....how do you know if the life you are leading is the direction you are meant to be going? How do you figure out if this is what was meant for you? How do you choose?

-Linds

8 comments:

  1. They do say that life is not about finding yourself but about creating yourself. Probably because it's such a never ending odyssey. I also had my fair share of negative thoughts last year. I had them ALL THE TIME. I would cry everyday at night sometimes for no apparent reason at all, I mean I am a big cry baby in a way, even Beyonce commercials can make me cry #nokidding. But like you, I had the unconditional emotional support from my husband. Love is a wonderful force that can push you to want to be your best self ever everyday. Every time I daunt myself with negative thoughts, I tell to myself all the wonderful things my husband and dear ones have said about me. The truth is, you probably wouldn't even want strangers to tell you all that kind of stuff you tell to yourself. That's why I stopped, because I need to be the one telling myself loving things first. Hope you find strength and peace in your journey. You're human, this is a normal part of 'adulting'. Most of the time is not even about the decisions we make but about how we deal with them. Life is an exciting journey, hope yours is filled with wonderful surprises and growth! Big hugs from Slovenia.

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    1. Thank you so much for the support Ana Isabel! It's comforting to know I'm not the only one :)
      -Linds

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  2. Lindsay, my beautiful daughter. I believe you are at a point in your life, where like all of us have done at some point in our lives, is question what our purpose is. Our purpose with our friends? Family? Career? Life in general. Your feelings are absolutely normal. And trust me, not everyone that appears to have it all figured out, has it figured out. What I've found from my personal experience is that our purpose in life is not just one thing, but many things, because so many have an influence on our lives and the decisions we make......our families, friends, jobs, new experiences, new people. I believe that as long as you're authentic in what you do, you will have success. One thing I have finally learned after all this time is to not let fear hold you back. Easier said than done, yes. But not impossible! Love you! (I chose 'anonymous' to post because I didn't know how else to do it. ;-) )

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    1. Thank you for the endless love and support!
      -Linds

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  3. Oh goodness this speaks to be so much. I have SO many of the same feelings/thoughts. P is the same way with me, encouraging/supportive, but I feel overwhelmed by what I'm not doing or what I haven't accomplished. I'm still trying to figure what my passion/direction is suppose to be.

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    1. Don't worry hun, we're all in the club together!
      -Linds

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  4. It's funny that I'm reading this today as I literally thought of you today! I took Maya for a walk at CV park and as I walked and my mind was wandering I was thinking 'what is my passion in life? Do I have one? How do you discover it?' haha and I thought about how your passion is volleyball (I think?) And my husband's is trail running. And Miriam's is writing. Then I thought what is mine?
    Also- I would love to check out different trails with you and the pups!!

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    1. Aww Yes BrieAnne, let's get on the trails! Text me anytime!

      And don't worry if you're on the boat of searching for passions (this ship is full of friendly supportive people:) ), I'm slowly starting to realize, I don't think we need to just have one passion, as long as we have a passion towards life! I actually just read a quote today and I thought of all the people it reminded me of...you included: "happy people are the prettiest." Sometimes we need to stop worrying about what we're aiming for, and remember that we're making a difference by just being the people that we already are :)
      -Linds

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